I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
