I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Panties = found
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
