Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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