I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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