I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
