I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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