Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
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I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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