my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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