ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
