so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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