Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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