i was rollin on her like bob the builder
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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