I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
