I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
