dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
They are going to name an STD after you.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
