My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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