pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Dignity is for republicans.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Randomize
