apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
