i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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