is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
