The maid of honor just puked.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
