; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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