She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
