Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
