I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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