He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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