it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
