I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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