i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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