I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
