The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
