I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
