Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
