He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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