We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
