Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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