I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Randomize
