I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I use my feet as sexual weapons
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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