getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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