Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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