What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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