remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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