I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
