She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
