a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I know her cup size but not her name....
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