I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats