I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season