I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
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Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
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When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage