why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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