The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
