guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
