Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
