There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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