nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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