I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
