you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
