Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
