Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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