i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
