I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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